After a good two and a half-or-so years of battling with anorexia on and off, I am proud to have overcome most signs of the disease and I’m completely fine speaking out and advocating against it. I have swung from a size two, to double zero, then to a five, a one, and back to a zero, and now I am in a comfortable and healthy size one/two for my height.
It seems like an out of body experience when I try talking about those times, almost like I am referring to a friend or family member, because I have grown so far the other direction that I can’t understand why I ever allowed myself to get that bad. It doesn’t seem like that person could’ve been me, because I’m a control freak, and falling into an eating disorder is definitely not being in control. At first maybe it is, but then it becomes the disorder controlling you.
I am so glad that I am out of that terrible repetitive cycle and that somebody noticed and stepped in, I knew I had an issue, but i would rather have the issue then be healthy. I kept a journal for a short period of time before I got help, hopefully this shows how out of control and powerless someone in that situation feels. It took about 1 hour to convert so I could copy and paste this document, but reading it now; it doesn’t even seem real to me that I could’ve written half of it.
December 5th 2009
Sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I spend so much time each day looking at myself in the mirror, analyzing every single little thing I hate about myself, picking on every little detail and flaw about myself, and believe me, there’s A LOT. My eyes are too big, I’m too pale, my skin is terrible, my mouth is too big, my nose is ugly, my cheeks are fat, and of course, I myself am too fat. Every day, I spend at least most of the day thinking about how much I would give to not look like this, and the rest trying to hide it. I drag through most days feeling like im going to pass out I have strange and scary urges to take a ton of my mom’s hydrozycut pills every time I pass the kitchen, and I would give anything to be skinny. I hate every aspect of myself, my personality, my voice, but mostly my appearance. For the last 2 weeks, I’ve been starving myself so much, and when I get to the point where I absolutely need to eat, I eat carrots or celery because they have so few calories, that they actually burn more calories from eating them then they contain. Yet I still remain like this; this hideous, fat, ugly thing that I can’t escape. I stole my mom’s zentrex-3; a diet formula and I take it every day. I eat half of my breakfast in the morning so I can go for the rest of the day not eating some days because my mom makes me now. I tell my mom I buy lunch every day at school, obviously not though; I’d just gain tons of weight if I actually ate. Most days I come home and open a packet of ramen, dump everything out of it, and leave the wrappers out, so my mom doesn’t force me to eat that night. I come home from school dizzy and with a headache, I know what it’s from, and honestly I don’t care if its bad for me, as long as it makes me look skinnier. My friends always tell me I’m not fat, or that I’m pretty, but I know that’s a load of crap, they know something’s up with me and some comment, but trust me; im never going back to the way I was. Sure guys hit on me and try to convince me im not fat, but guys my age seem to do anything for girls to let them in their pants. But of course the starving doesn’t work, because I’m too weak to push through it, I fold and eat something, and just stay fat, or get fatter. I’d do just about anything to look beautiful, but anything just doesn’t seem to be working….
It is pretty strange for me to read that again, because reading over it now brings back the feeling in a way, but at least now I can understand how insane i sounded. I was killing myself and didn’t care, and now I am back, and trying to take down places like PrettyThin.com, mianaland.com, and HouseofThin.com. which motivated me and many other people to keep up with these terrible impulses. They need to be stopped, and I am proud to not be that person anymore, and no one should have encouragement to feel the way I did, like these sick twisted websites are doing. They have recently been court ordered to put suicide prevention links on the sites, but to me, that is not enough justice at all, they need to be stopped.